Vocation Discernement

Sometimes I think that one of the most daunting things is getting in touch with communities for the first time, but then I come to think of it, and I realise that I am probably not the only one asking about vocations, and that their vocation directors will probably have heard it all before. I remember the first time I got in touch with the Mothers at Tyburn when I was about 14 or 15. It was a bit of an accident. I entrusted them with my deepest prayer intentions, things I generally never shared with people. I told them that there was a very deep desire within my heart for prolonged prayer and I often found myself awake, just praying for the intentions of others during the night or in the early morning. I loved going to Mass and since I was about 13, I told myself I wanted to develop my prayer life and that when I was older, if I ever had the chance to, I would go to Daily Mass. In summer last year, I actually did! However, as I have college and family commitments, I can only go on a Friday. Weekends are spent caring for my family, in particular, my adoptive mother who is very sick with stress-related illnesses and other problems. I am usually at Church  twice a week, on Wednesdays for the Toddler Group (before you start worrying, I don’t have children. I just know the mums there) and on Friday for the Daily Mass. I know a number of parishioners there and have spoken to them briefly about exploring vocation, and the project with my friend, Emily in London, The Vocation Operation. Many people have said to me that I am someone who is “already spoken for” - and then when people ask what they mean, they simply say “she is spoken for by the one who is everywhere” - implying that it is God calling. It’s fascinating to think that God could be calling me to something so blessed as the religious life.  I have visited some convents and monasteries, and somehow I found that the thought of becoming a sister can never leave me—believe me, I’ve tried the most outrageous things to try and “run away” from it all. It just doesn’t work. The thing is, due to family opposition, I am still not a Catholic in full communion with the Church, although I practically live like one! I go to Mass, pray regularly, adore the blessed sacrament, read the Bible, and although strictly speaking, I can’t go to confession, I have been known to speak to priests about my sins.

I have thought about all the options open to me, and there are very many paths I could go down, but what God is calling me to is the most important consideration I take into account. Every time I think about vocation, I think and pray about whether it is God’s will for me to do something, whether God wants me here or there, doing this or that.  I have a fair bit of work experience for a 17 year old, and a lot of hobbies and interests. I also do fairly well at school, and although I may not be a straight A student, I still have many talents and skills that I intend to make the most of. Many people have said to me that I have a lot to GIVE. That is ultimately what I think keeps this emptiness and lack of fulfillment in my heart—the waiting to GIVE myself WHOLLY and DEVOTEDLY to Him in service. I want so much to be able to offer myself to Him in obedience, and I guess that is another reason why I am considering the religious life—one of the vows taken by religious is obedience. I thought about marriage and having a family of my own, and have “dated” boys before. Somehow, the idea of that just wasn’t right. Looking at different communities, and getting in touch with them has made me realise that maybe I would be better suited to one of two: Benedictine contemplative (and yes, I have read Regula Benedicti) or perhaps a Salesian vocation. It seems so different, but I almost believe I will end up at either one or the other, so that is why I am now in touch with the Salesian Sisters (London) as well.